Yo-yo guts

Some days it all seems totally awesome and impossible to derail this new venture. Other days I feel like I'm the only person that's not realised what a dumb arse idea it was to even THINK about setting up alone. Much less actually say it out loud, in public etc.

Loads of people now know. This is both good (relief) and bad (I actually don't have a contract yet and neither do my team members). I've had lots of good meetings with interesting people. There will be lots of new work to engage in and already people are talking about writing papers and I might even have my first international visitor to the lab. That person's also said "hey, I've got this idea and maybe we can work on it together and publish it?". Hah! Now that's NORMAL scientific behaviour, unlike my current environment in which as a co-investigator I get relegated to minor authorship, if that.

And then there's the kids. Most days it all seems like it will work out, this whole juggle babies, work, family and the few friends that still put up with me. But then one of the balls falls from the juggling set (in the form of infectious but not actually unwell toddler) and I wonder if it's at all worth the stress.

One of the people I met last week has moved from marketing to science. Marketing is one of the things I've considered as a career alternative. So it was interesting to chat to her about her reasons for leaving. In her words, she felt like she wanted to "give something back". So she took a whopping great pay cut (like HUGE) and did a PhD. This seemed quite admirable at first, but after further consideration I wondered how much closer she would ever really get to "giving back". In my line of research I am meant to be able to apply findings to health care needs of certain groups. In reality, however, I feel that it's unlikely that I'll ever come up with something so ground breaking as to really make much of a difference. Research by its very nature is esoteric, and a rather selfish pursuit. So I might be really interested in why X happens but will knowing that make a difference to people? Probably not.

Anyway, all of that just made me realise that 1) Marketing is probably not going to be all that fulfilling, although the pay packet might cause me to smile for a while... 2) My research needs (and will get) more focus and practical outcomes 3) I still really really really need to publish more or I'm screwed.

I think that it will be quite a lot better when we actually move to the new institution and get things going. It's all quite intangible now and that seems to leave me vulnerable to doubt. Topsy turvy, gut-wrenching doubt. Still, the nice thing about yo-yos is that they always claw their way up the string again.

Excited. Yay. YES!

Well I'll be...

In a totally amazing series of events, things seem to be coming together. Today I met with the bean-counters again and they are enthusiastic, talking about contracts, starting dates and making generally positive noises.

I am now speaking publicly about the fact that I've been offered a job and it's like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. My students know, my staff know, my current head of department knows. People in the new place know.

THEN, I get an email from a really cool overseas researcher who I met recently at a conference in my town. Cool overseas researcher so enjoyed the town that sabbatical is now on the agenda. Did I know of any schemes and would I like to work on some projects together? YAY! AMAZING! YAY!

And I'm the person whose career is doomed.

I've cleared my diary for a few weeks and it's paper-writing time. I plan to succeed. I don't want to leave science and although I am not the best researcher in my field I can still make this work well. Very cool day.

Note to self: See how much of a happy mother you can be when you don't feel miserable about work? Remember that and the cheery look on your kids' faces today.

advice

don't sneeze with a mouth full of cereal whilst working on your laptop. gross.

My career is doomed (apparently)

Finally I got to tell my boss that I'm likely to be leaving soon. Which is silly, really, given that he's leaving. Or left. Well, physically he is present (now and then) but his head left a few months ago.

So that felt good. Really good. Of course, he told me that my research career was likely to all but end within a year unless I spent some time publishing. Which would be easy if I wasn't spending most of my time dealing with the fall out from him leaving and not communicating with anyone in our lab about what's going on.

This, however, did make me think about my career. I have decided that if after three years, I still stink research-wise, then I'm leaving science. If I just plain smell, well then I'll maybe have to wash...

Why three years? Well, to start up a new group, lab etc, is gonna take 18 months I think. There'll need to be some allowance for that to see whether productivity can increase or not. I've also negoatiated a three year package for me and my new team. After which, there will be no more life-lines.

It also struck me that mentors who get pissed off with you for disagreeing with them can have a tendency to put you down. I think his comment was another way of saying "well, without me you're screwed because you haven't got the 'right' stuff". But I know that's not true. So for the first time ever I made a conscious decision to ignore his comments and put them in the YourIssues bucket.

I am completing a fellowship application right now and needed my academic transcript. In amongst my annual reports I found all my thesis examinations. I read through my PhD examiners' comments and realised that back then I had SO much potential. I'm not sure why I've gone off track a bit in recent years, but suspect it's got to do with trying to have it all. I haven't adjusted well to motherhood and academic life and the relationship between those two roles causes me angst most days.

I want to get my mojo back and now's the time to do it. I figure that I'm in with a chance. I need to make decisions that are good for me, ignore the naysayers and get on with the job. I've got my whole career to lose but in a way that takes away any fear. My three year life-line might just be the making of me.

Of course, if anyone has any good ideas for a washed out science flunk then perhaps I should look into that too? I'll hold off for the next 35 months though, thanks.

Pride

Today my first PhD student is submitting. What a moment for the student, of course, but I feel like celebrating myself. Quite an occasion in one's academic career. I feel immensely proud of this student's achievements and it is great to see the sails of a newbie flutter into action.