New mothers and hard times

Two friends have recently become mothers, at much later stages in their lives/careers than me. I lost contact with both women when I had my first child because their comments about my situation were hurtful. It's not that I expected them to understand and I like friends who feel free to pass comment but these two were really out of line (e.g. my firstborn was a few weeks old and had spent most of that time projectile vomiting and crying. One of these friends visited and told me not to hold him all the time and keep quiet or he would turn out to be weak and molly-coddled. Not particularly helpful when the warm ooze of vomit was still slipping down to the floor from where I sat to try to entertain them...).

So each of these women is now facing the perils of motherhood. One has been really unwell and recalled the very episode I just described when we spoke last night. She didn't apologise but she did just let me know that her situation reminded her of me all that time ago. The other has just returned to work and is having a really hard time. She is lucky I suppose in that her partner will stay at home three days each week but I don't think that makes it any easier for her right now. She messaged me out of the blue on the weekend and I guess this was her call for help.

Academic Spouse wondered whether I felt bitter and disinclined to respond to either of them. I have to admit that part of me thinks "well there you go. NOW you know what it's like", and not in a particularly friendly tone of voice. Of course, the overwhelming feeling I have is to run over there and give them big hugs and do whatever I can for them.

I think that women really need to stick up for each other at moments like this. It's all too easy to say "well, I had to do it hard and where were you for me?". The reality is though that none of us can be prepared for how you feel when you can't breastfeed five seconds after the birth, or when your child ignores you when you come home after work because they're downright offended that you had the audacity to leave in the morning. Thus, we can't expect our friends to 'be there' when we need them.

So I'll extend the ladder as close to the ground as I can for them. Not that I know any better but I suppose just seeing that someone can get through to the other side helps. That in itself reminds me of how far I've come. Even though some days I feel like packing it in and leaving science for a regular 9 to 5 job, I think this is doable. Today, anyway!