Chocolate and green tea

I emailed my grants office manager yesterday to ask when the next round of rejection letters was likely to arrive on my doorstep/desk etc. She wrote back saying that I'd made her laugh, which was problematic for her as she didn't think it was a laughing matter.

I think if you can't laugh at rejection, failure, poor reviews, criticism and the like then you definitely should not be in research. As somebody who is personally very sensitive to comments (which I readily interpret as criticism), I impress myself at how resilient I actually am in the face of constant research knock-backs. OK, so I whinge quite a lot at the time, but generally speaking I think it doesn't take too much for me to pick myself up, grin, tell my students it's all part of research and we'll have better luck next time and then get on with it all. Without money.

The email to my research office manager was really to provide some external basis to cease my repetitive internet checking behaviour. Because I'm waiting on two announcements about fellowship applications, I have been compulsively checking the granting bodies' websites. It's not quite OCD because I don't fear what will happen if I don't check, but it's still not healthy. So she told me to expect a five week wait (g-rooooaaaannnnnnnn), which helped because I haven't checked once today (so far...).

So what's the solution to all of this grant-related stress? I find green tea and dark chocolate does wonders for my psyche. With all the rejection going around, perhaps shares in cocoa beans would be worth thinking about? The current economic climate might allow that actually. Oh, except I keep forgetting that I don't HAVE ANY MONEY....................

More choc please.

Maybe research isn't for me

When I discussed my contract for the new job, they said that my CV would need to go to promotions committee as I was being appointed at a given level that would normally require it. "It's just a formality" I was told.

Woops! That formality turned out to be something altogether different as I was NOT given the same level. So although they keep saying "oh, we'll pay you what we agreed" I am being demoted!

I attended an interview for a fellowship yesterday and their parting words were "you've done very well to be short-listed", which is like saying "thanks, but no thanks".

Today, our grant rounds were announced and none of the three grants I was on got funded.

So I feel relatively rejected and saw a tenured teaching position advertised at my old institution, which I would more than qualify for. Maybe the life of no money year to year is not for me after all. Or perhaps I'll feel different after some sleep?

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Who do you work for?

Like your first day at school, starting a new job is exciting, confusing and a jumble of new experiences. There's your name tag, your room key, your swipe card and the fundamentals such as internet access. Of course, I have absolutely NONE of these and so after lugging many heavy boxes in the rain I organised the box that is my office and sat down to edit a paper. I haven't edited a paper in weeks and it felt really really good. If only I could have access electronic databases to get references for the paper.....

So the first day jitters were worth the realisation that this is it. My new path has begun to unfold before me. It'll take a bit of getting used to.

With every piece of paperwork (to organise voicemail, internet, keys, swipe cards, toilet rights etc) I was asked "who do you work for?", to which I answered the head of the stream I'm in.
Not satisfied with this response the next question was "But whose group are you in?", to which I responded "oh, I am starting up a new team"
"Great, what's YOUR group called?"
"Ummmm.... well it's blah-blah-blah, but maybe the name will change"
"oh, OK well just let us know Dr SM".

Gulp. Splutter. Uuurgh....
It was SO like when I got married and I had to change from "my partner" to "my HuSbAnD", or when I went to collect a new bank card and they made me sign while they witnessed me, but I'd never signed my new name before. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSS. I changed my name. oooh errr (much to my husband's dismay, actually. But it was that or change my surname by deed poll so he let me get away with it).

I will need to get used to the idea that I'm the group leader and the group will study blah-blah-blah. I'll need to make sure I don't apologise for my presence and that I get over the embarrassment of pretending I know what I'm doing etc. I think I have imposter syndrome but I plan to be cured within a week.

Anyway, that's it. Like a marriage, the party's over and now it's time to get down to the hard work of making sure this contract lasts. Maybe not 'til death us do part, but I'm definitely in for the long haul. As long as they get me some internet access before the diamond anniversary.

First day

Tomorrow is my first day in my new role. This is it: be brilliant or fail miserably and leave science. Three years is what I've got and I have so many doubts but am also so excited and ready for this next challenge. A slight pay rise also doesn't hurt. Screwing this up is really not an option. Must go get some sleep so I can think straight. Oh, what to wear...?!