Are men better at boundaries?

Just when the dust appeared to settle a newly appointed, only recently qualified, post-doc in my group has said that the role's not for him. This fellow had come very highly recommended and when I met with him about Project A I was duly impressed. I indicated that although I could see a future for him on Project A that at this point in time there was not enough in the budget to appoint a new member of staff. Would he instead like to get a start with the group by working on Project B?

So it seemed all sorted. Of course there's always more to the story. In this case the assistant previously working on Project B recently admitted to another senior investigator that she'd rather given up and left things in a complete mess. Covered her tracks as much as possible with me and then moved interstate (!). So I asked new male post-doc to assist me in getting things back on track and then continuing with data acquisition.

The grumblings started early but yesterday took an unusual turn with NMPD telling me in front of the entire group that he wasn't sure that he'd be happy doing what I asked of him. We met afterwards, whereupon he said "this is too much for me. I feel too stressed out and I'm not sure I want to continue any involvement with Project B. I really want to work on Project A in a consultancy type role".

So........... (yes, that was a lot of basic venting from me - apologies...). I spoke with my colleague, a post-doc who is still trying to work out how she'll fit in kids but who is certain she'll manage. The point I made to her was that perhaps men are just better at boundaries. Perhaps when they don't want to do something they just say no. Their self-worth is not bound up like a woman's by the need to please. But of course, like the little scientist I am, this was merely hypothesis testing and we decided this was utter rubbish. Both of our husbands work in academia and do what it takes to get the job done. They do not check their watch at 3.30 to see whether there is enough time to do the task someone might have asked of them. They do not leave at 4.30 to 'miss' the traffic, having arrived half an hour late to do the same in the morning. Perhaps some people are simply inflexible and let's face it, it's a tad out of date to assume that women 'need to please'.

It's just really made me wonder whether I've developed such a blinkered view of my crazy, busy life that my expectations of others are too high (regardless of whether they're men or women). Have my boundaries lapsed so much that I no longer appreciate what it is to be able to make clear distinctions between work and 'life'? As I sat outside this afternoon watching my little girl potter around the garden digging out weeds and scooping dirt with her trowel I thought that the answer was definitely 'no'.

Men aren't better than women at setting boundaries. It's just that when men say 'no' they're not viewed as weak, or 'not up to the job', or being undedicated. Perhaps that's why the events of the past 24 hours have troubled me. Well, that and the fact that I'm the 'new' research assistant on that project.