My career is doomed (apparently)

Finally I got to tell my boss that I'm likely to be leaving soon. Which is silly, really, given that he's leaving. Or left. Well, physically he is present (now and then) but his head left a few months ago.

So that felt good. Really good. Of course, he told me that my research career was likely to all but end within a year unless I spent some time publishing. Which would be easy if I wasn't spending most of my time dealing with the fall out from him leaving and not communicating with anyone in our lab about what's going on.

This, however, did make me think about my career. I have decided that if after three years, I still stink research-wise, then I'm leaving science. If I just plain smell, well then I'll maybe have to wash...

Why three years? Well, to start up a new group, lab etc, is gonna take 18 months I think. There'll need to be some allowance for that to see whether productivity can increase or not. I've also negoatiated a three year package for me and my new team. After which, there will be no more life-lines.

It also struck me that mentors who get pissed off with you for disagreeing with them can have a tendency to put you down. I think his comment was another way of saying "well, without me you're screwed because you haven't got the 'right' stuff". But I know that's not true. So for the first time ever I made a conscious decision to ignore his comments and put them in the YourIssues bucket.

I am completing a fellowship application right now and needed my academic transcript. In amongst my annual reports I found all my thesis examinations. I read through my PhD examiners' comments and realised that back then I had SO much potential. I'm not sure why I've gone off track a bit in recent years, but suspect it's got to do with trying to have it all. I haven't adjusted well to motherhood and academic life and the relationship between those two roles causes me angst most days.

I want to get my mojo back and now's the time to do it. I figure that I'm in with a chance. I need to make decisions that are good for me, ignore the naysayers and get on with the job. I've got my whole career to lose but in a way that takes away any fear. My three year life-line might just be the making of me.

Of course, if anyone has any good ideas for a washed out science flunk then perhaps I should look into that too? I'll hold off for the next 35 months though, thanks.