Yo-yo guts

Some days it all seems totally awesome and impossible to derail this new venture. Other days I feel like I'm the only person that's not realised what a dumb arse idea it was to even THINK about setting up alone. Much less actually say it out loud, in public etc.

Loads of people now know. This is both good (relief) and bad (I actually don't have a contract yet and neither do my team members). I've had lots of good meetings with interesting people. There will be lots of new work to engage in and already people are talking about writing papers and I might even have my first international visitor to the lab. That person's also said "hey, I've got this idea and maybe we can work on it together and publish it?". Hah! Now that's NORMAL scientific behaviour, unlike my current environment in which as a co-investigator I get relegated to minor authorship, if that.

And then there's the kids. Most days it all seems like it will work out, this whole juggle babies, work, family and the few friends that still put up with me. But then one of the balls falls from the juggling set (in the form of infectious but not actually unwell toddler) and I wonder if it's at all worth the stress.

One of the people I met last week has moved from marketing to science. Marketing is one of the things I've considered as a career alternative. So it was interesting to chat to her about her reasons for leaving. In her words, she felt like she wanted to "give something back". So she took a whopping great pay cut (like HUGE) and did a PhD. This seemed quite admirable at first, but after further consideration I wondered how much closer she would ever really get to "giving back". In my line of research I am meant to be able to apply findings to health care needs of certain groups. In reality, however, I feel that it's unlikely that I'll ever come up with something so ground breaking as to really make much of a difference. Research by its very nature is esoteric, and a rather selfish pursuit. So I might be really interested in why X happens but will knowing that make a difference to people? Probably not.

Anyway, all of that just made me realise that 1) Marketing is probably not going to be all that fulfilling, although the pay packet might cause me to smile for a while... 2) My research needs (and will get) more focus and practical outcomes 3) I still really really really need to publish more or I'm screwed.

I think that it will be quite a lot better when we actually move to the new institution and get things going. It's all quite intangible now and that seems to leave me vulnerable to doubt. Topsy turvy, gut-wrenching doubt. Still, the nice thing about yo-yos is that they always claw their way up the string again.