Ripples

Confidentiality is an interesting topic. Is it human nature to gossip? I think it might be.

I received an email today from the postdoc of my EmotionalCard colleague saying that a very senior administrator in my likely next institution just told her that I was going there and bringing a team etc. Aside from the fact that of all the people in the world I DIDN'T want this news to get to prior to an official announcement, I find it perplexing that something I have requested to remain confidential has been leaked.

Why do I care about confidentiality? Because I have not told my current boss of my plans. Because I will take a good whack of the core team in the lab to set up with me. More importantly, however, I care because of the principle. I was clear in my directive that I did not want my staff or students to find out about this from other people. Of course, I have spoken to my staff and students but that's my business, not that of an administrator.

In the broader scheme of things it's really no big deal. I have just learnt though that this very senior administrator is not to be trusted.

I threw the pebble into the pond and the ripples reached the shore. The pebble should have been a clean diver with no splash. That's disappointing.

Pausch and legacies

About a month ago I googled 'time management' and came across the now famed Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. I looked at his web page and kept updating it to see how he was getting on. Nothing appeared there and judging by his tumor marker values, his condition was worsening rapidly.

Today I went to the local bookstore to buy a present on the way to a seven year old's birthday party. As we waited to pay for the "worm farm extravaganza" (yes, what was that doing in a bookstore???) I spotted the book by Pausch that stemmed from his lecture at Carnegie Mellon. I am not vulnerable to impulse purchasing, but I was keen to read it.

Academic Spouse just spotted it on the sofa and mentioned that Pausch died yesterday. 47 years old with three young kids. Best go and give my little ones big hugs in the night and not sweat the 'little stuff' at work. I love what I do, but I don't think my colleagues will be at my graveside on the 10th anniversary of my death.

I'm going to have me some time off this week to get up to speed with outstanding reports, write some papers, spend some time in the sun and fresh air. Then I'm going to resign, take a holiday and start anew. It will give me some time to read my new book. RIP Professor.

I swear this Prof is psychic!

FSP does it again with her comments on being flunky only with consent.

Maybe I should go read FSP's posts BEFORE I try to work it out for myself?!!!!

Now, how to teach a five year old about flunkiness?

Kids can be mean. I mean MEAN

My five year old started school this year. We put him in the local preschool so he'd get to know people outside of the university child care facility. He had a great year last year and went into his first year knowing some faces.

The first while has been fine. He's enjoyed the company of others and taken part in sport outside of school. Recently though I've noticed that some of his friends have been invited to parties when he hasn't. Not to worry, I thought. This is part of childhood and he won't have some of those kids at his birthday in a couple of months.

Today, though, he's come home very sad. Not just looking out of sorts but saying "I had a bad day today". Turns out one of the boys has been pushing him around, telling my son he can't play with that group of friends, and the group spent play times running away from him. I feel so desperately sad and just can't believe that five and six year olds can be so nasty.

So we spent some quiet time tonight talking about how there are other people to play with, that he's a kind person that lots of people like spending time with and not to worry too much. But if I believed all of that would make a difference to the way he feels then why am i so upset?

I've never believed in protecting my kids in layers of cotton wool. When my son asked about death, we discussed it openly even though he wasn't quite four. Maybe being too honest isn't so good, because it leaves feelings open to be hurt. I guess is was inevitable that he would be uber-nerdy like me and Academic Spouse. I just hope he develops his Dad's resilience to this sort of crap.

New mothers and hard times

Two friends have recently become mothers, at much later stages in their lives/careers than me. I lost contact with both women when I had my first child because their comments about my situation were hurtful. It's not that I expected them to understand and I like friends who feel free to pass comment but these two were really out of line (e.g. my firstborn was a few weeks old and had spent most of that time projectile vomiting and crying. One of these friends visited and told me not to hold him all the time and keep quiet or he would turn out to be weak and molly-coddled. Not particularly helpful when the warm ooze of vomit was still slipping down to the floor from where I sat to try to entertain them...).

So each of these women is now facing the perils of motherhood. One has been really unwell and recalled the very episode I just described when we spoke last night. She didn't apologise but she did just let me know that her situation reminded her of me all that time ago. The other has just returned to work and is having a really hard time. She is lucky I suppose in that her partner will stay at home three days each week but I don't think that makes it any easier for her right now. She messaged me out of the blue on the weekend and I guess this was her call for help.

Academic Spouse wondered whether I felt bitter and disinclined to respond to either of them. I have to admit that part of me thinks "well there you go. NOW you know what it's like", and not in a particularly friendly tone of voice. Of course, the overwhelming feeling I have is to run over there and give them big hugs and do whatever I can for them.

I think that women really need to stick up for each other at moments like this. It's all too easy to say "well, I had to do it hard and where were you for me?". The reality is though that none of us can be prepared for how you feel when you can't breastfeed five seconds after the birth, or when your child ignores you when you come home after work because they're downright offended that you had the audacity to leave in the morning. Thus, we can't expect our friends to 'be there' when we need them.

So I'll extend the ladder as close to the ground as I can for them. Not that I know any better but I suppose just seeing that someone can get through to the other side helps. That in itself reminds me of how far I've come. Even though some days I feel like packing it in and leaving science for a regular 9 to 5 job, I think this is doable. Today, anyway!

Addendum

Somewhat amusingly, CellBoy just facebooked me to say that he's reconsidered. Instead of science editing, he's wondering about a role as a stay at home dad. Problem is, "I need to find a wealthy, career-driven wife".

Aside from the wealth, perhaps after all these years we really are well suited. Perfect in fact. Brilliant!

Tomatoes Feel It Too

Super amazing journal bounced my paper. Argy bargy ensued about the next best place to send it. I want a realistic goal with the aim to get it published. Boss wants super amazing journal minus 1. Probable-nobel-laureate-coauthor suggests a strategic (ie realistic) second journal but Boss and PNLC have history and debate has broken out. Yawn.

But why the 'meat is murder' reference (oblique though it was)? Well, the past 24 hours has given me the chance to think seriously about how different people make decisions in difficult times. That got me thinking about my lovely friend, CellBoy, who travelled overseas to a strong lab to post-doc.

CellBoy and I met as undergraduates and I always tried to make him marry me. It was a bit of a running joke between us and we simply always had a lot of time for each other, but never any sparks. But I digress. CellBoy took more years than many put together to conduct his PhD. He was dedicated, spent more time at the bench than most people, but was just so thorough (OK, verged on pedantic!) that it took ages. He left with dreams of getting through things a bit faster next time around, but that hasn't materialised. The two year post-doc is much older than my school-aged child.

Good old Facebook has kept us together though and yesterday he announced that he's leaving science to work in science editing or some such thing. My dedicated, competent, totally lovely CellBoy is giving up. Of course, as a friend, I'm happy for him but it does make me wonder whether the Tomatoes Feel It Too.

On a less serious note (and I might get into trouble from all quarters for this comment), he happens to be one of the most girly men I know. So maybe that's his fault?! It would seem that pushing through the politics of my male-dominant environment would probably not be easy even if i harboured a Y chromosome.

Touche

This post from FSP pretty much sums it all up.

What I didn't mention in my earlier post was my plan B, quitting. I don't like to acknowledge that I sometimes risk ending up as a statistic, another woman who couldn't 'make it' in science.

Posts like this from trail-blazers with a conscience make me think it's OK to want to prove the #($*!ers wrong.

You can't change a system sitting on the outside.

Tactics

In an interesting twist, my role on papers is being pushed to the backseat in favour of paid RAs because it will be "good" for their CV. This is what happens when you don't agree with your boss, right? So instead of acknowledging the work that I've contributed to the project in terms of ideas, design, setup, analysis and the like, the person who was employed to do the day to day recruitment and testing will get at least five first author papers. I am livid and shocked and amused all at once.

Academic Spouse is shell-shocked at this, probably more than I am. True, I have trouble being direct in meetings when I feel totally fragile and the most likely response I"ll have to any argument is to cry! So what I need to do is confront him and suggest that it would be "good" for my CV to have more than one paper published with him from the many (more than five...) years I've been working in his lab!

I do need to stop with the whole "woe is me" thing and i know that. I need to get mean and be strong about this. I need not to be so loyal that I set myself up for a fall like this. I need to be independent and make sure I treat people with the respect they deserve.

Devastating tactical payback for not moving with him.

Papers and grants

I was asked to give a talk about alternative career paths in my clinical discipline. I tallied up the number of grants I have submitted in the past five years and it's WAY too many (more than 50). Relative to the number of papers I've submitted in the past five years, there is a clear message: My current work environment is unproductive. I have about a 20% hit rate for grants, which isn't too bad, but I'm not sure that the ratio of papers:grants is right.

So, today I submitted one paper (HURRAH) and one grant review rebuttal. The paper is likely to be rejected from the top rank journal the senior author wanted it sent to. The grant, which I submitted on a whim at the last minute, stands a chance of being funded judging by the comments we received.

I guess the impression I'm left with today is that I should trust my instincts about this stuff a bit more. That, and I also need to write more papers. SOOOOOOOOOO much data, not enough time.

It's raining again

In a completely unprecedented turn of events, I received a phone call from a fellow I met recently at a conference overseas. He's heard about my boss' departure and wanted to chat to me about a job opportunity. HHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Sorry, but I can't hide my delight here, because for many a year I've had people hone in on my biggest weakness, which is lack of confidence. Well, fluctuating confidence really, with a distinct winning edge for the 'lack of' days!

So it's a real buzz. Of course, this particular academic department has good and bad points, like them all. I was very clear and upfront (probably some folk out there will advise against this approach) and said that I was in the final stages of negotiations elsewhere and that I was flattered (yes, I used that word...) but I didn't want to give them the run around. This fellow was really nice, and asked whether I'd at least consider speaking to the head honcho (a really nice, if slightly scary, guy) before I signed any new contracts etc. Whilst I haven't got a contract I'd be a fool not to keep open these other options and so I said I'd be happy to chat if they felt that it was worth their while. So we'll see.

My concerns about being pigeon-holed by my next move as an "X" researcher rather than a "Y" researcher were allayed a bit last night too. I spoke to a clinical mentor who basically let me say what all my current fears are (fear of failure, fear of failure and, oh, by the way, I'm quite worried, anxious even, that I might fail....................). This mentor then just told me not to be stupid and paradoxically I felt a lot better.

So, options currently stand as:
Set up alone. Risk failure and total professional humiliation. Possibly have the time of my (academic life).

Stay where I am. Certain destiny is no job within 12 months

Move to another department within my current institution. Convenient, safe, and will end up with massive teaching load, which I currently avoid.

Move to another unit within same city. Almost certainly feel comfortable, excited at new prospects and then end up shafted because I'm a women with a cute but not totally useful skill set in a male dominated domain. This option is like reverting to an old drug habit. I need to come clean.

Underwater basket weaving was always a last resort at my high school. I don't think I'll end up there just yet but it's nice to know I have real options.

When it rains

OK, so the drought hasn't broken. Living in a place where there's been a drought for a decade, it is very weird when it rains. Not so long ago, my daughter saw a real downpour for the first time and was utterly amazed. I let the kids stand out in it because to experience something new and wonderful is something to be cherished. I think I might even have taken photos it was such a unique experience.

This last week has seen some amazing changes in the workplace too. So the saying goes "when it rains, it pours". And so it does. I have now been contacted by another department within my current institution that has heard of my boss' departure. When I indicated that I was likely to leave the institution I was asked by the HOD to meet and chat about what I'd like to do in the future. It was a good meeting and it was interesting to hear the 'other' version of a few events that have occurred in recent years. However, it was clear that there was no money for me, much less a whole team, even though HOD felt my skill set would be useful (it also helps that I have grants, which of course bring in additional money etc).

So I left thinking it was good to have had a chat but not much hope. Yesterday, however, I got an email from HOD to say that a meeting with our Faculty's dean was held and the dean would like my CV. ME! My CV (which largely sucks, it's worth pointing out. My only publications of note in recent years are in the journal of Motherhood-101).

I feel quite pleased about this but also am not keen to drag out negotiations at NewPlace and don't have the ability to lie to this department and say I'm really keen when I'm not. BUT, what if they offered something really really amazing? Like a promotion would be pretty ace (yes, I know I'm getting ahead here).

Anyway, I haven't replied and given that HOD asked for my CV ASAP it will soon become rude. ARGH.

In other news, grant reviews arrived last night. For the first time in years, my track record wasn't trashed. I rewrote my achievements section this year and wasn't apologetic about having two kids in the midst of a post-doc. Maybe that's worked. The reviews were generally positive but I think it's unlikely that the grant will get funded. I'm going to try a kick-arse rebuttal though and maybe that will get us across the line. Crazy, this business we're in.

It rained today too apparently. Literally, that is. I didn't see it but the smell outside tonight was fresh. Having options is a nice place to be in for once.